This Past Decade

I have been listening to the usual wrap-ups of the year and the decade. I have also read a few from my favorite political columnists. Most of the comments I have heard about this decade tend towards the negative: this is the decade of 9/11, Wall Street crashing, housing markets tumbling and two, seemingly endless, wars. Many people say that we need to look forward to the next decade, things will get better. But I say we had a wonderful decade and should be grateful for it. We were given lessons that we needed to learn and now have an opportunity to move into the next decade with a better frame of mind.

I am aware of how devastating many of the events of the last decade were. I had friends who walked out of New York on September 11, 2001 wondering if their loved ones were alive, wondering where they would be returning to work. But we, as a nation, learned that we aren't some invincible power. We were shown to be human that day. From that place of humanity, we found new compassion for other countries that are being terrorized. Many families have been affected by the financial troubles our country has gone through. But many families are learning that less is more and more is not necessary to happiness. And, because of their reduced means, they have learned new compassion for those who have always lived beneath the poverty line. We have crossed racial barriers that have given hope to a new generation of people that previously never had hope. We have opened dialogues regarding covering everyone with health care and same sex marriage. These are still contentious issues, but we as a country are thinking about them and discussing them. We are also questioning following our leaders blindly into battle, wondering instead if there are diplomatic channels that could be used or if tactical maneuvers have to be so sweeping.

It is this kind of response to the events of the last decade that will allow us to move into the next decade in a better way. We won't be going back to business as usual but business in a way that shows compassion and acceptance of others and more responsibility for our personal actions and our actions as a country, if we have learned our lessons of this decade. That is my wish for all of us as we ring in 2010.

To Resolve or Not To Resolve

This is the question, is it not? This time of year people start talking about making New Year's Resolutions. We are all familiar with the big ones: a new diet plan, a new exercise plan, financial responsibility, a new life, a new me and better stuff for all. They last until January 2nd and it is life as usual, until December 30th of the new year.

We all know it doesn't have to be this way. There are articles in magazines and newspapers about sticking to our resolutions. Nearly every news show does some piece on how to stick to your resolutions. We know what to do to keep our resolutions without all this advice and yet we often don't. We abandon our goals, sometimes within days. Maybe the change is too difficult. Maybe our aims were too high. Whatever the reason, eventually we resolve to never make a resolution again.

I think resolutions are a good idea though, if done right. There is nothing wrong with trying to better ourselves. There is nothing wrong with examining our lives and tweaking it where necessary. We all need goals in our lives to help give our lives direction. So I suggest that we go ahead and make our resolutions. With hope of an improvement in our lives, we should set out on a course this new year that incorporates a change. When the path gets rocky, even if it is the first day, we should realize that good things take work and time. Most importantly, we should realize that quitting will never get us anywhere.

So, for me, the answer is to resolve. I did last year and, although there were times I didn't stick to my resolution, I felt better when I did. This year I have also made a resolution. I am looking forward to my improved life, and the challenges I will face.

Being Happy During This Happy Time

I happily sang my way through the grocery store today. Some people completely ignored me. Others smiled my way. I'm not sure if they were humoring me or truly enjoyed my singing, but they smiled. When I got to the checkout line, the man behind me commented on being entertained in line. Now I need to make it clear that this is the last Saturday before Christmas. At 9:00 a.m., the grocery store was busy. The traffic to the store, and the mall, was bumper to bumper. It promised to only get busier. The cashier commented on how pleasant it was to have a happy customer.

Now, I have a theory. I believe that the people who get caught up in the commercialism of Christmas are less happy than those who don't. I see it two ways. First, they are probably trying to compensate for something with all the stuff. There is no reason to overspend year after year, unless they are trying to fill some hole. Or maybe they are trying to buy someone's love. Second, they are spending so much time looking for the perfect gift for everyone that they forget to be happy. It is difficult for them to enjoy the music, the magic, the lights when they are rushing around trying to get all done.

So, if my theory is true, then people who don't get caught up in the commercialism tend to be happier. They are taking the time to enjoy their friends and family. They are listening to the music and enjoying the lights. They are looking forward to the magic of Christmas Eve and the joy of Christmas. They aren't at the mall.

It is no big surprise that I am in the second group. I have purchased what I need to, but I have not overspent. I have remembered my friends and family. I also look forward to spending time with my loved ones. I spent the morning in front of my lit tree with my coffee. I'm looking forward to driving around looking at Christmas lights tomorrow. The freshly fallen snow will only add to the beauty. I sing through the grocery store, happily.

Life and Death

A dear friend of mine lost her father today. He died peacefully in his sleep sometime during the night. Yesterday he was fine; today he is gone.

I wonder if it is better for the loss to happen quickly or for there to be a chance to bring closure to a life. My grandmother died slowly but her mind was gone. There was a time when we could tell her we loved her and we were able to come to terms with her death before it occurred, not that it helped. An acquaintance's father died slowly of cancer, years of tubes and hospitals before the end. He had a chance to bring closure to his father's life but the memories of the years before the death stayed with him for a long time. My friend's father died suddenly but she felt confident today that everything had been said and done so there was peace with his passing.

I don't think there is a good way for people to die when you think of those left here. We all mourn and suffer and feel loss. Closure or not, there is emotional pain associated with death. I think, though, what is important is that we love those around us every day as if it were their last day. As my friend found out today, it just might be.

Rest in peace, Mr. Midura and peace to your family.

Walk the Walk

I was having a conversation the other day with an over-stressed mother trying to get it all done. She was lamenting that for years they have been trying to cut back at Christmas, but for years she has continued to shop until the budget is blown and the credit is stretched. She is also a woman who is trying to live a more mindful life and will tell you every chance she gets. The conversation ended when she asked me about my Christmas shopping habits. I told her that I too have been trying to cut back which is why I donate to a few charities in honor of various family members and friends. My daughters have always been very happy with whatever was under the tree, no matter the number of packages. And we have often made gifts for grandparents instead of buying them. When she realized that I talk the talk and walk the walk, she really didn't have more to say.

I suggest to all that we reconsider our spending habits this year. Do you really need to buy one more gift for your friend? Do your family members really need to have a tree overflowing with gifts? Wouldn't someone be happier with a gift of your time? Perhaps someone would understand a contribution to charity. It is time to start walking the walk; take the first step this year.

Beautiful People are not Automatically Entitled

Here's a news flash. Just because you are physically beautiful, you are not automatically entitled to whatever you want. There are a few reasons for this. First, your beauty is only because someone else has decided that, at this point in time, you are beautiful. Second, no one is automatically entitled to whatever they want. This could be surprising to some, but I think the truth needs to be said.

Let's take a look at the first point. Throughout history, physical beauty has been a fickle thing. At times, women were revered for narrow waists and large rear ends. That is why they would bustle their dresses. During the 1920's, women with flat busts were the most glamourous, to the point where women with breasts would bind their chests to appear smaller. During the 1980's and since, bigger was better. Long thick hair, pulled up into a bun was all the rage in the late 1800's. During the 1920's, the bob was in. My point is that physical beauty is as changeable as the wind. What was beautiful one day will not be beautify another. Therefore, physical beauty has nothing to do with being entitled to anything.

Second, no one can ever just get what they want. This has been true since time began. Surely, there was a time when there were only a few people on the planet and it seemed like they could get everything they wanted. But since then, whenever someone tried to take what they wanted, a war broke out. At times, it was a minor war; other times it was a major, world war. Sometimes, it was a simple spat between siblings. But the point is, once you take what you want, you are depriving someone of something for them.

All of this has to do with the Salahis. There is no doubt that they believe they are beautiful. And I suppose many would say that they are. I heard one report that Mrs. Salahi spent nearly a whole day at the salon getting ready for the big night. Obviously, the people who supposedly filmed her day for a reality show thought so or they wouldn't have been there. From everything I have heard and read, they felt entitled to their day in the sun, or their night at the White House.

But the truth is they have taken from other people. They have taken a few nights of sleep from people who have sworn to defend the leader of the country to which the Salahis belong. They have taken time from the Congress who should be trying to solve important problems like healthcare or joblessness. They have taken time from the reporters who could be covering stories about philanthropists (as if that would happen). Most importantly, they have taken away from an event that was special for all the people who were invited.

Physically beautiful people are not entitled to whatever they want. In fact, I would go so far as to say that physically beautiful people who feel entitled are beautiful only on the outside.

Superman Claims "Kryptonite Illness"

Over the weekend, the world needing saving and Superman was unavailable. When questioned later about his absence during the world's greatest need, he said that he was being held hostage by an evil villain who had Kryptonite. Superman went on to explain that he is powerless in the face of Kryptonite. He said that he made a full report to world leaders, apologized for his absence, and expressed his gladness that everyone was okay. He is not available for further comment because he needs to recover from being so weakened.

When asked about Superman's statement, one world leader remarked that he was shocked the world relied on such an unreliable superhero. Another was unaware that Superman had such a weakness and said he would be hesitant to call upon him again, should the need arise. A third thinks we should attack the evil villain with full force, to prevent such an occurrence in the future.

Elsewhere, reaction to Superman's statement was mixed. A news reporter, Clark Kent, believes Superman fully and refuses to pursue the story. This has raised eyebrows in the newspaper business. Many question Mr. Kent's abilities to begin with and think he is too mild-mannered. One source suggested that Superman was with long-time girlfriend of Clark Kent, Lois Lane. She was seen swooning in his arms on numerous occasions when Mr. Kent was not around. One reporter for the gossip pages says he has pictures of Superman, Batman and Cat Woman on an island on the day in question. What they were all doing there is unknown.

Needless to say, this reporter will continue to pursue the story until Superman comes clean and tells us what really happened when the world was in peril.

Rethink Black Friday

Briefly on the news today, there was a story about an ad that encouraged people to rethink Black Friday. It mentioned reevaluating shopping choices, recycling wherever possible and rethinking your lifestyles among other ideas. I'm sorry to see that it was a blip on MSNBC. I am doubly sorry that I couldn't find any mention of it on the MSNBC website.

If you follow this blog, you have realized by now that I find overt consumerism abhorrent. I think we all have spent too much time attempting to acquire stuff instead of nurturing the things that are important. I am sick of hearing that we are measured by what we own instead of by who we are. I am tired of hearing that the balms for our troubled souls are found in the aisles of Wal-Mart. So, obviously, Black Friday distresses me.

Over the years, I have heard news reports of fights starting because of a lack of toys on the shelves, people camping out in lines to be the first ones in the stores, and, appallingly, people being trampled to death in the surge into the stores. People lose their humanity in the rush to get stuff and justify it because they are giving the stuff to other people. I don't want anything that was fought over or caused the death of another person. Why would anyone else?

So I think whoever made that commercial mentioned briefly today was on the right track. Rethink your lifestyle. Reconsider what you buy. Remember the needy. Reevaluate your priorities. In other words, rethink Black Friday.

What Happened to Thanksgiving?

This morning, one of the local news anchors and the weatherman were having a bit of a tiff. She couldn't understand why the weatherman was not yet in holiday mode. He couldn't understand why she wanted Christmas decorations put around the set. I'm sure much of their "discussion" was for the cameras, but she was suggesting that something was wrong with him since he was not yet in Christmas mode.

I suggest something is wrong with a culture that skips right from Hallowe'en to Christmas with almost no pause for Thanksgiving. I understand the economy depends on sales for the holidays to continue. I realize many stores make the vast majority of their profit from Christmas sales. I do not understand why it has to start on November 1st.

But this post is not about Christmas; it is about the forgotten holiday called Thanksgiving. Since the pilgrims landed in the New World, we have taken a day to stop, come together with families and remember our blessings. In fact, we were the first country to make a national holiday designed to give thanks for all that we have. And we all have a lot. But it is important to take the time to realize what we have and then to be thankful for it. Instead, people stress over cooking for so many, compare notes on the size of their turkey and use the dinner table to plan their shopping strategy for the next day.

It is time to start remembering Thanksgiving. It is a time for people to slow down, enjoy the day and the remainder of the holiday. Instead of focusing on what more we could buy, we should focus on how much we already have. Embrace Thanksgiving. Enjoy the holiday. Enter into the next holiday in a grateful state of mind. Enjoy the feeling of peace being thankful can give.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Forks in the Road

For those of us who have lived with a life plan and have followed it closely, forks in the road are upsetting. There is no other way of saying it. Do we travel the path we have laid out? Do we follow the new path? What are the benefits of both? What are the pitfalls? No one ever is able to answer these questions with certainty.

I have reached a fork. I have an opportunity to pick up extra hours at the job which was supposed to be a second job. But to do that would require that I back off of the hours I spend at my "real" job. Unfortunately, my "real" job is on one path and my second job is on another. If I pick up the extra hours, I would also have more time to pursue a path that I feel drawn down. I had a balance going for a while, until I was asked if I wanted more hours. Now I have a decision to make.

I'm not sure what I am going to do. But I do know one thing. I have been given an opportunity to examine my life. Examining your life every now and then is important to do. It is the only way to see if you are staying true to your honest self. Often, we are pulled off our course through insidious little ways. A good friend gets a bigger car so we start wanting a bigger car. A loved one gets us a gift certificate to a store that we have been reluctant to enter. Once we're there though, it feels good to indulge, again and again. We justify bad habits with poor excuses until we forget we once thought they were bad habits. We start chasing dollars instead of our dreams at work. They are all designed to pull us away from our true selves. But we are happiest when we are true to what we really want, and we need forks in the road to remind us to check where we are and where we are going. We are given an opportunity to slow down the pace, check the map, see where we are and decide how best to get to what we really want.

I have to decide within the next few days. It will require discussion with my family to make sure that what I want doesn't clash with their needs and wants. It will require soul-searching to make sure that the potential consequences do not lead me away from who I really am. And there will be a leap of faith in there somewhere too. But I am thankful to have this opportunity to have to make this decision. And, some day soon, I will venture on with certainty.

Having a Goal

I just returned from a yoga-intensive weekend. I go through these once a month as I train to be a certified yoga teacher. For approximately 16 hours during the course of one weekend, I sit with five other adults and learn the intricacies of yoga.

I enjoy these weekends. I get a chance to think in a new and exciting way. For instance, I have never been exposed to Sanskrit before. This past weekend, not only did I learn the Sanskrit names for many of my favorite poses, for an hour and a half I listened to a scholar teach me the beauty of the Sanskrit alphabet. Also, I learned the anatomy involved in some of my favorite poses and the best ways to help everyone find comfort in them. I get to converse with people that I would never initially choose to spend time with. My circle of friends does not include gay male ballet dancers or young professional women from Brooklyn. There is so much complexity to these weekends, I have numerous reasons to enjoy them.

Until the Monday after. I barely rolled out of bed today. Each of the three muscles that make up my hamstrings screamed at me as I attempted to move my legs. My right hip refused to move and protested loudly when I insisted it did. Last month, every muscle in my back announced its presence vociferously. I finally had to get a massage to attempt to relieve some of the discomfort. Two hours later, I realized that I needed to strengthen my back before I went through another weekend like that. On the Monday after, I am left with the painful reminders that I am neither as young nor as limber as I thought I was on Saturday and Sunday.

One could wonder why I choose to put myself through all of this. In fact, as I lay in bed this morning and willed my body to move, I wondered the same thing. But the answer came quickly. My goal is to be a yoga teacher. I really enjoy the thought of helping other people find the same kind of serenity and flexible, strong body that I have found through yoga.

I am grateful I have this goal. It keeps me focused on something positive when I am being bombarded by so many negative things. It gives meaning to my pain right now, and tomorrow, when my pain isn't so great, I will have a reason to open the anatomy book again and try to get my tongue to pronounce words in a language that is unfamiliar. I have pursued things without a clear goal and have never reached anywhere. Today, when I got out of bed, I knew where I was going, albeit slowly and tenderly. And I know where I am going tomorrow.

Thanksgiving Dinner

Every year, the conversation starts about now. Who is having Thanksgiving dinner? My mom enjoys having dinner at my parent's home. My husband's one sister has dinner at her home every other year. If that's not enough, there are the conversations about whom to invite and with whom my children will be spending the day. After all of this gets figured out, the conversations start to move towards who is bringing what. I prefer to bring pies since I love to make apple pie from scratch. My sister-in-law prefers to get her pies from an old family friend, which I respect. The trouble is vegetable casserole is not in my repertoire. My mother worries that there wouldn't be Polish food for my mother-in-law.

After a while, it gets to be all too much.

Which is why I am thinking of a different approach this year. I have asked everyone to our home this year for Thanksgiving. I realize that I am asking for something close to 15 people to come to our hose and that will require I get a different table to fit them all. I am not sure what all will be brought to the table. I am not even sure if there will be enough plates for us.

But I don't care. I am not going to allow myself to stress over the logistics of so many people. I am going to enjoy the fact that I am blessed with so many wonderful people in my life. I am not going to worry about how many vegetable casseroles are on the table or the caloric count of the dishes. I am going to revel in the blessings of food on my table. I am not even going to worry about the dust in my house. I plan on lowering the lights, lighting a few candles and simmering some pot pourri.

Of course, as the holiday approaches, I will fail at my resolve sometimes. As others stress over the plans, I am sure to get caught up in their stress. It is inevitable. But I have a plan for that. I will remember that the day is called Thanksgiving, not Stressgiving. And when I feel myself starting to worry about the plans to entertain more family than I'm used to, I am going to remember that I am blessed in so many ways, I have no right to get stressed. I will also repeat to myself, frequently, that everyone is getting together to enjoy each other's company, not judge me on my hosting skills.

I wish you a blessed Thanksgiving. I hope you find joy in everything about the day.

Wins and Losses

Last night, I listened to Game 6 of the World Series. I was hoping my beloved Phillies would win, but it was becoming more obvious as time went by that my hopes would be dashed. I fell asleep before the game was done. I woke wondering what the outcome was, knowing in my heart what it really was. The Phillies had lost, but strangely, I did not feel a sense of disappointment.

Recently, I read that the reason we have stress in our lives is because we try to hold on to material things, whether it is a winning team, a house or our perceived status. We feel that since we have achieved something, we deserve to keep it. But the truth is, things come into our lives and things leave our lives. Last night, my World Series Champs became World Series losers. But I realize that, just as the joy of cheering on champions came into my life, the joy has moved on. It is time for someone else to have that joy.

I suppose many could say that I am a loser today because my favorite team lost last night. In reality, I am a winner. If I can remember that things are meant to come into my life, and then leave, then I will learn to enjoy the time I have with them with unbridled joy. And when things leave, I will look forward to something else that has come into my life.

I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.

Holiday Time

Now that Hallowe'en is over, everyone starts thinking of Thanksgiving and Christmas or Hanukkah. The biggest holiday season is upon us, ready or not. A time to overspend for presents, clean the house like a crazy person because of the company who is coming, schedule in all the parties, overeat and pretend to enjoy. The kids' friends are sure to get the latest toy, so your family better get it too. The neighbor's wife is buying her husband a new plasma tv. You're not? Your buddy's wife is getting some diamond ring she wanted. What are you getting your wife? All the silver needs to be polished and the good china needs to be unpacked from the basement. Can you bring the pies and a casserole to dinner Christmas Eve and then I'll bring extra dip and wine for New Year's Eve? There is a gift exchange at school tomorrow Mom. I need a $5 gift for some boy that just moved into town.

Does any of this, or all of this, sound familiar? This was my holiday life for many years too. But then I was blessed with "reduced means." All of a sudden, I had a perfect excuse to not put on a big spread for New Year's Eve. I had to get creative if I wanted the girls to enjoy their Christmas without as many gifts. No one tried to compare cost of gifts with me because they knew it would make me feel badly.

Instead of putting up a lot of Christmas lights outside, I put up what I could. But we enjoy putting a cd of carols in the car cd player and driving around to look at other lights. We sing all our favorite songs and pick our favorite houses. Each year now, we drive past those houses to see if we still like them or if others have taken their place. Instead of purchasing gifts for friends and relatives, we have all agreed to give to certain charities. We might not have much, but many others have less. It feels good to help out others and to not have to find a home on my shelves for another knickknack. Gatherings with friends have become simpler, maybe a pot of soup and homemade bread instead of a fancy sit-down dinner. Instead of rushing out to buy more gifts, we spend nights watching the holiday cartoons. Rudolph and Charlie Brown are still more fulfilling than an overcrowded mall with anxious shoppers.

Mind you, the girls and my husband still get gifts. But I shop for them all year long, so the holiday isn't a rush and a battle. We still indulge in expensive gifts now and then, but they are not the norm, nor are they purchased just to keep up with the Joneses. The best gift we give to each other is our time and mutual enjoyment of the season.

I challenge you to make this year the year you break from all the stressful traditions of the past holidays. Even one change this year is a step in the direction of simpler, more meaningful holidays. You can do it. You will be glad you did.

Outside the Box

I have to admit, I think the phrase "outside the box" is becoming cliche. So many people use it to describe a large variety of things. You can think outside the box, you can live outside the box, you can work outside the box. But the truth is that there are two boxes. There is the box called doing the same thing all the time, which is the box most bosses want us to think outside. It is the daily routine of chores that need to get done. It is the automatic response to our lives that has proven successful in the past and ensures everything gets done. But there is also the box that we impose upon ourselves, a comfort zone of sorts. You know this box exists when you consider doing something different and encounter a fear response or feel that you are interfering with karma if you change. It is not created because life has a to-do list and routine guarantees success. It is created because the person inside of it is afraid of what is "out there."

There are many different reasons to create the second box. Severe trauma, repeated bad occurrences, self-doubt, and lack of self esteem all have a hand in creating this second type of box. And, at times, this box is necessary to heal from whatever had a hand in creating the box. But this box becomes a prison of sorts not allowing the person inside a chance to explore and create a healthier sense of well-being. It is then that the person needs to force themselves out of their box and back into a well-adjusted world.

For those of you who are watching someone live in this imprisoning box, there isn't much you can do. The person needs to be ready to move beyond their box. You can gently suggest things that would coax them out, but don't be surprised if you are met with resistance. Be careful not to fall into the trap of enabler though. People imprisoned need to be freed. Compassion, support and encouragement are necessary in large quantities to help the person trapped in their box. But, given time, with the right kind of support, your confined friend just might find their way out of the box.

I speak with knowledge. I have lived in a box for years. I knew my box was limiting and people would chuckle at the quirks my box imposed upon me. Having to park in one of three spaces at the grocery store is a bit odd. But recently my box disintegrated and I stepped out. I feel better about myself and am enjoying life "on the outside." I am grateful for the compassion and understanding I received while in my box and am thankful for the warm reception I received outside the box. I realize I might quickly rebuild my box should I perceive a threat but will not count that as some sort of setback. I now know the way out and prefer life free of self-imposed constraints.

I have yet to move beyond the monotonous box of routine that ensures my bills get paid, the children get to their activities and the groceries get purchased. But that is a healthy box that keeps my home running smoothly. But I no longer feel enclosed by four walls afraid of what lies beyond.

Physics, Fiber Optics and Forward Thinking

The Nobel Prize for Physics has been announced and the gentleman who figured out how to transmit over fiber optic cable is one of the winners. Because of his genius, we have modern conveniences such as the internet. We have modern technology that could not have existed previous to his discovery. One could say we would still be in the dark.

I have to admit I enjoy the internet. There are many aspects to the internet, such as research and communication, that I enjoy. But I wonder if we would have been somehow deficient if we never had the internet? People still were able to research information. I can remember many happy nights in the library with my friends learning about whatever topic we needed to study. I knew that the information was outdated to a degree but I learned how to be discerning when I chose my material for a research paper. I learned the patience required to look through volumes of information to find the right thing. I bounced ideas off my friends and listened to what they had to say. That way, we all gained a greater understanding of the topic. People were still able to communicate. Letters took a while to get to where they were going, but there was always an anticipation when you went to the mailbox. You had a piece of paper, like a piece of that person, to carry around with you and savor at various times. The response that you sent back was carefully thought out becoming time that you spent thinking of that person. If the letter somehow contained information that was upsetting to you, you had something you could rip up, releasing that emotion without causing harm.

I don't think I want to go back to a world without the internet. I use it to learn and keep in touch. But I miss the days before the internet. I miss the simplicity and innocence of the time.

The Land of Denial

We've all heard the play on words about living in da nile. Unfortunately, the truth for many of us is that we prefer living in Denial to facing the truth. In fact, it is a lovely place where things always just go along the way we want them to without a hitch. There are so many ways of getting to Denial too. We refuse to hear what we've been told. We don't look beneath the surface. We accept some form of alternate reality given to us by someone else. The ways are seemingly endless. The problem with living there is the affect it has on others. By not facing the truth, we miss out on opportunities to help those in need. We alienate those we love. We hurt feelings.

You see, I have visited the land of Denial. I don't want my cousin's wife to be sick. I want them to live well into old age vibrantly. I don' t want to know about bodies slowly becoming paralyzed, able to feel pain yet unable to move. I don't need to hear about people suffocating or put on feeding tubes or any of it. I have forced myself to listen and learn so that I can be a help when I am needed. I continually move myself out of Denial.

I am not the only one who has visited Denial. Others in my family have been there from time to time since the diagnosis. I can not change where they choose to visit. Sometimes I can not even encourage them to move. But I can always understand where they are and why. Illness is difficult on everyone. Therefore, when I am faced with an angry, puzzling odd response, the best I can do is remember how comfortable Denial is and leave breadcrumbs for them to find their way home.

The Thief in My Living Room

I finished reading Tuesdays with Morrie written by Mitch Albom. It is a powerful book with many pertinent life lessons. My husband suggested that I didn't need them as much as other people might, but it never hurts to hear these lessons again. And I'll tell you why.

It is not unusual for me to have the nightly news on while I am cooking dinner. I often listen to the local news then the national news. By then, I have dinner on the table, we turn off the TV and sit down to eat. I feel like I have accomplished both nourishing and nurturing my family and have fed my brain. The other night though, I paid more attention to my actions during this time. Morrie had just finished telling Mitch to be more in the moment in the book and I thought I would try out this concept. I realized that as my children communicated with me, I was also paying attention to the TV and the dinner on the stove. Eventually, I'm not sure what my children were telling me, what the news piece was about and dinner nearly burned. I covered for it all but I clearly was not living in the present.

So what robbed me of that moment? I decided to pay attention so I could better answer that question. But the answer is not one that the cable company would like to hear. The TV robbed me of that moment and many others. I can listen effectively to my children while the dinner is cooking. Very few recipes require intense concentration. But the TV demanded my attention at the same time as the children and I tried to meet its demands. In the interest of scientific experimentation, I paid attention to our TV habits during the rest of the week. And the answer continued to be the same. When my children were watching TV, they very rarely heard me the first time I said something. When the TV was on, my husband was less responsive to my questions. And, I was guilty of the same behavior my family was exhibiting.

I will continue to watch TV. I like the news in the morning and it is football season. The Phillies will make it into the post-season (unless Lidge keeps blowing saves, but that is for another time) and I do like my cooking shows. But, now that I know the TV is guilty of robbing me of my quality time with my family, I will be very careful of how much attention it gets.

Shoe Love is a Poor Substitute

On weekends, I work at DSW Shoes as a clerk. It is a good job for me. The hours are flexible, the discount is 30% and I get to talk to women about shoes. I have no papers to grade, no plans to make. I just help people find the shoes of their dreams. The other reason I enjoy the job is I get to watch people. Very few things amuse me as much as people. When they think no one is watching, they do the most unique things. I have watched people yak away on the cell phone while they wander up and down the aisles, never really looking at the shoes. I think they want us to notice how important they are. I have watched people agonize over the decision to buy certain shoes. One woman spent about fifteen minutes trying to decide and then she called someone and discussed the decision with them. I have watched brides pick shoes for the women attending them. One man bought a pair of shoes three hours before the wedding. People do the most interesting things.

The people I think about after I leave are the ones who spend a long time in the store. They are usually women and they are usually alone. There is something wistful about them, some quality that reminds me of sadness. They wander up and down the aisles touching the shoes. They try them on and look in the mirror from all angles. They repeat the process with nearly every shoe in their size. Evventually, they leave with a pair of shoes or two. But for every pair of shoes they leave with, they have returned as many. They often tell me their shoe woes as I chat with them in the aisles or at the cash register as I check them out.

I get the feeling that these women are trying to fill a void in their lives with shoes. But the shoes never really give them what they want. I assume that these women are looking for love and respect like the rest of us. They probably want someone to care about them as people and feel that there is no one that does. But the shoes won't either.

I think that people need to realize that materialistic things will never make up for the bond between people. And if these women devoted as much time to their relationships as they do to shoes maybe they wouldn't be in a shoe store for as long. Letting people get close and assuming all the risks with that is scarier then trying to find the perfect shoe but it is a lot more fulfilling in the end.

I Think I Get It

I have spent the past few days pondering mortality. I have wondered what it is all about, why are we here and what does it all mean. And it came to me last night as my husband and I were driving home from ballroom dancing class.

All of a sudden, I realized that we are here to love each other. It seems simple and ridiculous but I think this is what it is about. For years, I have sat in church and studied other religions and they all have one thing in common. Every one of the religions I have studied preaches love and respect to our fellow man. We are to treat people with decency, as if they were a valued member of our family. We are here to love people.

This came to me as my husband and I were driving home from ballroom dancing lessons. I am dependent on him to lead me decisively. He is counting on me to follow him and to be right where he expects me. This is the only way to keep toes from getting stepped on. With gentle squeezes as our only communication, he lets me know that he will guide me and I let him know I will follow him with trust.

If I try to lead, we don't dance well together. If I don't pay attention to his communication, we don't dance well together. If he doesn't lead competently, the dance fails. The same is true in life. If we become too busy chasing the almighty dollar, we tend to forget about the people around us. If we start trying to collect a lot of stuff, we lose sight of our priorities. But by loving ourselves and those around us, by respecting their needs and being attentive to them, we make the world a better place for everyone. It comes down to love ... simple, ridiculous but all powerful.

Lou Gehrig's Disease and Living

News of an illness is difficult to hear. News of a loved one's illness is crushing. When the illness is fatal with no known cure, the news is devastating. Today, my dad called to let me know my cousin has Lou Gehrig's disease. I am in the process of digesting this information. Yet as I chew on my cousin's diagnosis, I realize how temporary life is and how much it should be valued.

Like so many people, I live my life thinking that there will always be a tomorrow. There will always be another chance. But then I hear a story of a tragic death or of a dreaded diagnosis and I am stopped in my tracks. For that person, there will be no more tomorrows or their tomorrows will be limited. And I hope that their last days have been or are filled with love, serenity and fulfillment. Yet, I do not know when my last day might come. So I should try to fill my days the same way just in case.

This is easy for me to remember right now as I grieve for my cousin. It won't be as easy next week when I have begun to move on. Eventually, I will go back to my ways and forget this lesson until the next piece of bad news. But for a moment, I have paused and listened to the message. I feel badly that it is my cousin's life that has forced me to remember my priorities; maybe, because of that, this time the lesson will sink in a little deeper.

R I P Decency and Respect

I have been troubled by the lack of common decency in our country. It appears in everything from clothing styles to communication. Showing your undergarments is indecent. It is not hip, not stylish, not a fashion statement. It is indecent. Talking on your cell phone whenever and wherever you want to is indecent. I don't want to hear your conversation, nor does everyone else. It is impolite to be gabbing away while others are trying to help you, speak to you or ignore you. Like the sign says in my local library, if you need to use your cell phone, please step out into the lobby. Even gum chewing has become indecent. I am not adverse to people chewing gum after a meal to freshen their breath. Bad breath is as bad as bad manners. But people seem to think that a piece of chewing gum showing while they are talking is something pleasant to see. It is chewed food. Perhaps it is not as unattractive as half-chewed pizza, but it is still unpleasant to see.

For the most part, I have remained silent about this lapse in decency. Students in my class can not chew gum. My undergarments stay hidden. My cell phone gets turned to silent and ignored when I am with others. I do not force my attempts at decency on others. I practice them and hope others will notice. I know that by being aware of my behavior, I am showing respect to people around me.

But last night I heard a bell toll. It was the death knell for decency and respect. It came in the form of Senator Joe Wilson heckling the President of the United States. I can not teach my children to respect others when there are examples like this in the news. I can not tell my children that you don't have to agree with someone but you do have to respect them as a person when a senator does not respect the president. He says he was overcome with emotion, but he should have some self-restraint.

An apology was issued, which was the right thing for him to do. But the deed was still done. The heckling occurred. Respect for the office of the President of the United States has been breached. At what point will disrespect for others stop? At what point will we start asking ourselves why we are willing to put up with indecent behavior?

The Sins of the Father

A friend and I were comparing horror stories from our childhood. You know the type; the ones in which our parents horribly neglected us somehow. Mine was about a time when I was very sick during vacation and my parents, unknowingly, dragged me from historic site to historic site. My friend's story was about being thrown from a wagon and bleeding profusely from the nose. His parents were visiting friends and were reluctant to stop a pleasant visit because of some blood. We joked about how neglected we were and how it was amazing we turned out as well as we did.

In hind site though, I realize a few things. First, with a roof over my head, food on my table and a loving family, I never knew neglect. There are children all over the world right now who do not know when they will eat next, where they will sleep or if they will see their mother or father in the next 24 hours. There are children who hear that they are unwanted and unloved or who feel the slap of a hand or worse. Neglect is not a joking matter.

Second, as a parent, I know there are times when I don't do what my children expect me to do. Because of exhaustion, there have been times when we have enjoyed cereal for supper. There have been times when I pretended to listen to their stories while I was busy doing other things. There have been times when I did not notice the emotions they were afraid to voice because I was too busy trying to control my own. I am sure at some point in their future, they too will complain about a laundry list of perceived negligence on my part. But they too will, hopefully, have children. Then they will understand that sometimes it is difficult to give children 100% of their time.

What struck me most about that conversation though was that I once again realized how lucky I am. I am sure I have not told my parents enough how appreciative I am of all they did and continue to do for me. Parenthood is one of the few jobs that can be accomplished only through on the job training. Getting it wrong would be easy. But I see that Mom and Dad did their absolute best. So, thanks Mom and Dad.

Using our Senses

Yesterday, as my husband and I were walking our dog, we encountered a wonderful smell. It turned out the field near us was filled with hundreds of Queen Anne's Lace flowers. The air was perfumed with the most heavenly smell. We stopped and reveled in the aroma for quite some time before continuing on.

I got to thinking about this moment later. I have wanted to live a more simplistic life enjoying the gifts I have been given instead of searching far and wide for something with which to please me. I used to satisfy myself with some materialistic gain only to be unsatisfied and searching again. Recently, I have tried a new tactic. I have tried satisfying myself with the different things I encounter through my senses. Just like last night and the smell of the flowers, I have relished the flavor of a warm, juicy peach from a farm stand, the feel of soft sheets, the sight of all the stars in a night sky and the sound of the birds welcoming me to a new day.

I think, in the past, I have been so busy that I forgot to take pleasure in the things around me. With the constant noise of life, the hurried shuffle of children from activity to activity, the cooking of dinner and the washing of the clothes, I have forgotten how to slow down and savor my life. I feared slowing down because "I didn't have time" but I have the time if I choose to take it. I am not less efficient; I am more efficient because I have become refocused on what is important to me.

I hope you have a chance to be overcome by the smell of Queen Anne's Lace. It could be life-altering.

Silence, not Mediocrity

The other day, one of my followers asked me why I don't post every day. He has found some of my posts to be beneficial. Others have inspired him to think in different ways. My answer was simple. I would rather not post the mundane just to have a post.

You see, particularly with the rise of blogs, everybody who has ever had an opinion has found an outlet. Even I have fallen into this net. Having read other blogs though, I am sometimes amazed at how little actual thought goes into a blog. Some are ravings against the most current perceived aggressor, others are blow by blow descriptions of people's day, as if posterity cared they ate a cobb salad for lunch. Others start with promise then are forgotten, part of the detritus of a lifetime. I have also noticed this trend in the media. If you are branded a liberal, you repeat the liberal message. If you are branded a conservative, you repeat the conservative message.

The conclusion I have come to is that there is very little original thought anymore. Many people are so busy repeating what they hear or shouting so loudly they can't hear that no one really has time to invest in listening quietly, thinking about what has been said, then opening their mouths only when they have an informed personal opinion.

Many of my role models are quiet people. They speak only when they have listened, researched and thought out what they want to say. When they do speak, many listen because they know that these people speak with wisdom. I, too, will speak when I can speak with wisdom.

My Legacy

The other morning I woke up and heard the sad news of Sen. Kennedy's passing. It was early in the morning and only the local news was on. Unfortunately, the only tie Sen. Kennedy had with our area was through Mary Jo Kopechne, the young woman killed in Chappaquiddick in 1964. For a few minutes, Sen. Kennedy was remembered for the death of this young woman and not for all the things he accomplished in the Senate. Since that one newscast, both the local and national news have touted his lifetime of service to his country.

Which got me thinking about my legacy. I will probably never hold a public office. Most people outside of my small group of friends will never hear of me or know what I have done. I will not be mourned for days by a nation with flags at half staff and 24-hour coverage of my funeral. So what is my legacy? For what will I be remembered?

Hopefully, this is a question with which we all struggle. We think of this question at times when making major decisions such as whether or not we should get the second house or save the money for our children. But rarely does this question come up when we are making daily decisions. How we live day-to-day doesn't seem like part of our legacy. I think it is the biggest part of our legacy though. I hope to leave behind financial security for my children and a tidy list of assets for them to enjoy. But what I really want to them to have from me after I have died is a strong sense of who they are, what is important to them and an appreciation for the special people in their lives. To do that, they need to see me do that. For me to do that, I need to live each day that way. Therefore, remembering my legacy when making daily decisions is very important.

I don't live with a morbid attitude. I do not agonize over my bequest day and night. But I remember that what I do and how I act will affect my children. They are my legacy.

Wal-Mart and the Civil War

A historic battle took place near Locust Grove, Virginia. General Lee and General Grant met for the first time on a battlefield called the Wilderness. By the end of the three day campaign, nearly 30,000 men were dead, wounded, captured or missing. Although the battle ended in a draw, it was a significant event in the Civil War. General Lee's army never again had the offensive upper hand. This battle doesn't have the recognition of the Battle at Gettysburg, but it is no less important.

Recently, the Orange County Board of Supervisors voted 4 - 1 to allow Wal-Mart a special use permit to build a super center near the battle site. The area is already zoned for commercial use. Proponents of the measure cite the tax revenue, jobs and cheap shopping as reasons to allow Wal-Mart to build. Opponents of the measure say that the area Wal-Mart wants to build on is considered part of the battlefield, even if it isn't protected. The sanctity of the area should be preserved.

I have to agree with the opponents. This area, close to Fredricksburg and another major Civil War battle site, is ground on which our ancestors fought to preserve our freedom. It is hallowed ground on which men died. Once the first shovel full of dirt is taken from the ground, the memory of those who fought and died there will go with it. And for what? So that tourists to the area have a familiar haven? So that locals can have one-stop shopping for inexpensive food, clothing and household wares?

We are becoming more materialistic. Our lives are becoming defined by what we have, not who we are. We consume what we need, what we want and what others tell us we need and want. Wal-Mart, in my eyes, is the standard bearer for our materialism. By allowing them to build on sacred ground, we give away an essential part of who we are and from where we have come for the ability to get more stuff. At some point, we need to become aware of the destructive force of our materialistic ways and the need to preserve the irreplaceable.

Confronting Our Pasts

Over the weekend, I was able to spend time with a close friend. The kids were gone, the husbands were doing their thing. We were able to sit and talk in an open, frank way, without fear of interruption. As often happens, the conversation turned to our pasts. We talked of former significant others, loves that had been lost, regrets that we have.

As I listened to my friend's stories and thought about my past, I realized that I can control my response to my past. I can not change what has happened to me, although, in my fantasies, sometimes I make completely different decisions. Instead of feeling sorry for some of the decisions that I made, I accept that fact that each decision lead me to being the person who I am today. I like who that person is so I am choosing to be grateful for all the decisions that I have made, both good and not so good.

But sometimes people don't really like the person they are. That doesn't mean that they need to regret their decisions. That means they need to learn to love themselves. No matter how we feel about ourselves, we can not change the past. We can only change our response to it. But accepting the idea that we are wonderful people, just they way we are, will go a long way to making us feel better about what has happened to us.

The Lockerbie Bomber and Compassion Part 2

If you read Part 1 yesterday, you know already that I prefer being compassionate to harboring ill will. You might agree with me, you might not. But I am not alone in my feelings. I know of two examples of people who feel like-minded that I would like to share.

The first is the Amish community that suffered a school shooting in October, 2006. A man held young Amish girls hostage in a one-room school room in Lancaster County, PA. Although he had planned to carry out more terrible things, this man killed five girls before taking his own life. Anyone who watches the news probably remembers this event. Shortly after, funds were set up to help the victims and their families. The Amish also set up a fund for the killer's family. Within hours of this tragedy, the grandfather of one of the young girls who was killed was asking for forgiveness towards the killer. This message was repeated time and time again, not only in words but with actions. For instance, some of the Amish neighbors of the killer's family went to them and supported them in their grief.

It would be easy to dismiss this example of compassion due to the religious nature of the Amish. So I found another example on the New York Times website on August 20th. In Parkersburg, IA, Mark Becker shot his former football coach Ed Thomas. The Becker and Thomas families had been close for many years. They attended church together. The Beckers, both the father and three sons, played football under Mr. Thomas' coaching. They lived in a small town together. But in the first public statement by the Thomas' after the shooting, they called for compassion for the Becker family, knowing that they were suffering as well. And again, they weren't just words. The Thomas family repeatedly reached out to the Beckers in the weeks that followed.

In Wikipedia's article on the Amish school shootings, there is a quote from Marie Roberts, the wife of the shooter, who wrote a letter to her Amish neighbors. She says "Your love for our family has helped to provide the healing we so desperately need. Gifts you've given have touched our hearts in a way no words can describe. Your compassion has reached beyond our family, beyond our community, and is changing our world, and for this we sincerely thank you." And I am thankful that there are examples of compassion for me to follow when I stumble towards ill will. I believe that there were times when the families of the victims privately expressed anger towards the shooters. But they did not let their anger overcome them and define their actions. They continually made a conscious effort to remain compassionate. By following their examples, and that of others who have embraced compassion, I too am able to change the world in which I live.

The Lockerbie Bomber and Compassion

I have heard the news report that the Lockerbie bomber was going free. I have read the New York Times account of his hero's homecoming. I have listened to the Scottish government's reason for releasing him and the reasons given by people who lost loved ones why he should never be released. And I have some questions.

What if this man was not guilty of the bombing? Not only has he always proclaimed innocence, but there is evidence suggesting that he is not the Lockerbie bomber. Shouldn't he be shown compassion if he truly is innocent? What if he was the bomber? Isn't it possible that people can truly regret their actions, especially towards the end of life? Why would the press show the pictures of the homecoming knowing that they were inflammatory pictures? What if this dying man just wanted to go home instead of being paraded in front of a bunch of people? What if he is just a pawn of the Libyan leader, Moammar Gadhafi? Is there any connection between the petroleum company BP and what just occurred?

In the midst of all these questions, I do know a few things for certain.

First, we will never know exactly what happened and why. Whenever there is a conflict, there is always more to it than what is seen. I can know what I am told, but I can never know if this convicted killer carried out these bombings. What if he did what he did, or at least took the fall for it, to protect someone he loves? And I know that I will never know the truth just by listening to the press. For all sorts of reasons, the press is biased.

Second, I have the ability to control my response to a situation and that is all. I can choose to be angry at the convicted bomber for what he is accused of doing. I can choose to be compassionate to him and the victims. I can choose to ignore the whole situation as being out of my hands. (Anyone who knows me knows that won't happen.) I try to choose compassion. I have learned that you reap compassion if you sow compassion. Others are more understanding to me if I try to be more understanding. Also, when I hold on to ill will, I myself fall victim to that ill will. I don't sleep as well. I am harsher towards those I love. Activities that I enjoy are no longer enjoyable. Why would I want to feel that way, particularly when I might be making myself sick over misinformation?

In my own life, I have suffered and had to find compassion for the person I hold responsible. Sometimes it isn't easy. Sometimes, it is a day to day process. But by working at it day to day, I have come to appreciate my life more and to live it more fully. And I don't have to worry that I might have the wrong answers to all the questions I have.

The World is Loud

I've had to face the reality that I am losing my hearing. I knew it was coming. I have the same genetic hearing loss as my mother and I have known for years that I would lose mine. Recently, I went to the same audiologist as Mom, who recommended that I try a hearing aid. She let me borrow one for two weeks to see if I could adjust to wearing an aid. The past two weeks have taught me some things.

First, I have learned that the world is loud. Between people talking on their cell phones and radios constantly playing, everywhere is louder. My husband and I went to a ball game. Between the announcer, the constant music, the gentleman and his son behind us and the lady on her cell phone behind them, I was ready to wear ear muffs.

Second, I have learned that all this noise gets in the way of people hearing others. There is no better example than the town hall meetings regarding health care shown on the television. There is a lot of noise and not a lot of listening going on. I think people have gotten so used to the noise of their lives which make it hard to hear that, when they do have to listen, they forget how to.

I have to decide today if I want to continue wearing a hearing aid. I think I will because I'm interested in what others have to say and would like to hear them. I wish everyone felt that way.

The End of Summer

The alarm clock in my mind is starting to ring. A week from today is the first day of school. The summer is winding down. The lazy days of sleeping late and sitting around enjoying my morning coffee are quickly coming to an end. This time next week, I am going to be standing in front of a class of 7th graders introducing them to the wonderful world of careers.

But I am not ready to let the summer slip by. There are so many things that I wanted to do yet I haven't done. Every day, I think of more things that I should have done, like a picnic in the state park filled with boulders or exploring that historic site I stumbled across this spring. I haven't had funnel cake at a county fair yet. I hoped to get new glasses before the new school year. Where has the time gone?

Even as I lament, I realize that I have to remember a few things. First, each season offers its own pleasures. The relaxation I enjoy in the summer is replaced by the crunch of leaves in the fall, cuddling under an afghan with a good book and a fire in the winter and the spring blooms in May. Second, I should learn to let go of things. Holding on desperately to summer creates tension in my life and doesn't allow my to enjoy the gift of today. Finally, I have to ask myself if I really need to fit all this summer into this summer. Or have I somehow disrespected this summer by feeling that I have not yet done enough? Sometimes, what has been done, if thoroughly enjoyed, is just right and more would be too much.

Enjoy the rest of your summer and look forward to the pleasures of tomorrow.

Turning the Corner

The other day I was trying to turn onto a side street from a busy, main street. The car in front of me also was turning onto the same side street. That car, though, turned the corned then stopped in the middle of the street. I had no where to go and was stuck, half on the side street, half on the main street. Had it not been a Sunday and had there not been two churches on that block, I would have blown my horn and wished all sorts of evil upon the driver. As it was, I waited patiently for the driver to decide what he was going to do, then proceeded on my way.

Later, I realized that I had experienced a metaphor for life that day. Many people turn a corner in their lives then stop. They make a monumental decision to change an aspect of their lives. But once they make that decision, they get stuck. Proceeding in a new direction is difficult, but going back is unacceptable. What they need is someone to encourage them down the new path, not with blowing horns and curses, but with patience and gentle prodding.

My hope for you is that there will always be someone to encourage you on all the paths you choose to take.

Math The Way It Should Be Taught