The Thief in My Living Room

I finished reading Tuesdays with Morrie written by Mitch Albom. It is a powerful book with many pertinent life lessons. My husband suggested that I didn't need them as much as other people might, but it never hurts to hear these lessons again. And I'll tell you why.

It is not unusual for me to have the nightly news on while I am cooking dinner. I often listen to the local news then the national news. By then, I have dinner on the table, we turn off the TV and sit down to eat. I feel like I have accomplished both nourishing and nurturing my family and have fed my brain. The other night though, I paid more attention to my actions during this time. Morrie had just finished telling Mitch to be more in the moment in the book and I thought I would try out this concept. I realized that as my children communicated with me, I was also paying attention to the TV and the dinner on the stove. Eventually, I'm not sure what my children were telling me, what the news piece was about and dinner nearly burned. I covered for it all but I clearly was not living in the present.

So what robbed me of that moment? I decided to pay attention so I could better answer that question. But the answer is not one that the cable company would like to hear. The TV robbed me of that moment and many others. I can listen effectively to my children while the dinner is cooking. Very few recipes require intense concentration. But the TV demanded my attention at the same time as the children and I tried to meet its demands. In the interest of scientific experimentation, I paid attention to our TV habits during the rest of the week. And the answer continued to be the same. When my children were watching TV, they very rarely heard me the first time I said something. When the TV was on, my husband was less responsive to my questions. And, I was guilty of the same behavior my family was exhibiting.

I will continue to watch TV. I like the news in the morning and it is football season. The Phillies will make it into the post-season (unless Lidge keeps blowing saves, but that is for another time) and I do like my cooking shows. But, now that I know the TV is guilty of robbing me of my quality time with my family, I will be very careful of how much attention it gets.

Shoe Love is a Poor Substitute

On weekends, I work at DSW Shoes as a clerk. It is a good job for me. The hours are flexible, the discount is 30% and I get to talk to women about shoes. I have no papers to grade, no plans to make. I just help people find the shoes of their dreams. The other reason I enjoy the job is I get to watch people. Very few things amuse me as much as people. When they think no one is watching, they do the most unique things. I have watched people yak away on the cell phone while they wander up and down the aisles, never really looking at the shoes. I think they want us to notice how important they are. I have watched people agonize over the decision to buy certain shoes. One woman spent about fifteen minutes trying to decide and then she called someone and discussed the decision with them. I have watched brides pick shoes for the women attending them. One man bought a pair of shoes three hours before the wedding. People do the most interesting things.

The people I think about after I leave are the ones who spend a long time in the store. They are usually women and they are usually alone. There is something wistful about them, some quality that reminds me of sadness. They wander up and down the aisles touching the shoes. They try them on and look in the mirror from all angles. They repeat the process with nearly every shoe in their size. Evventually, they leave with a pair of shoes or two. But for every pair of shoes they leave with, they have returned as many. They often tell me their shoe woes as I chat with them in the aisles or at the cash register as I check them out.

I get the feeling that these women are trying to fill a void in their lives with shoes. But the shoes never really give them what they want. I assume that these women are looking for love and respect like the rest of us. They probably want someone to care about them as people and feel that there is no one that does. But the shoes won't either.

I think that people need to realize that materialistic things will never make up for the bond between people. And if these women devoted as much time to their relationships as they do to shoes maybe they wouldn't be in a shoe store for as long. Letting people get close and assuming all the risks with that is scarier then trying to find the perfect shoe but it is a lot more fulfilling in the end.

I Think I Get It

I have spent the past few days pondering mortality. I have wondered what it is all about, why are we here and what does it all mean. And it came to me last night as my husband and I were driving home from ballroom dancing class.

All of a sudden, I realized that we are here to love each other. It seems simple and ridiculous but I think this is what it is about. For years, I have sat in church and studied other religions and they all have one thing in common. Every one of the religions I have studied preaches love and respect to our fellow man. We are to treat people with decency, as if they were a valued member of our family. We are here to love people.

This came to me as my husband and I were driving home from ballroom dancing lessons. I am dependent on him to lead me decisively. He is counting on me to follow him and to be right where he expects me. This is the only way to keep toes from getting stepped on. With gentle squeezes as our only communication, he lets me know that he will guide me and I let him know I will follow him with trust.

If I try to lead, we don't dance well together. If I don't pay attention to his communication, we don't dance well together. If he doesn't lead competently, the dance fails. The same is true in life. If we become too busy chasing the almighty dollar, we tend to forget about the people around us. If we start trying to collect a lot of stuff, we lose sight of our priorities. But by loving ourselves and those around us, by respecting their needs and being attentive to them, we make the world a better place for everyone. It comes down to love ... simple, ridiculous but all powerful.

Lou Gehrig's Disease and Living

News of an illness is difficult to hear. News of a loved one's illness is crushing. When the illness is fatal with no known cure, the news is devastating. Today, my dad called to let me know my cousin has Lou Gehrig's disease. I am in the process of digesting this information. Yet as I chew on my cousin's diagnosis, I realize how temporary life is and how much it should be valued.

Like so many people, I live my life thinking that there will always be a tomorrow. There will always be another chance. But then I hear a story of a tragic death or of a dreaded diagnosis and I am stopped in my tracks. For that person, there will be no more tomorrows or their tomorrows will be limited. And I hope that their last days have been or are filled with love, serenity and fulfillment. Yet, I do not know when my last day might come. So I should try to fill my days the same way just in case.

This is easy for me to remember right now as I grieve for my cousin. It won't be as easy next week when I have begun to move on. Eventually, I will go back to my ways and forget this lesson until the next piece of bad news. But for a moment, I have paused and listened to the message. I feel badly that it is my cousin's life that has forced me to remember my priorities; maybe, because of that, this time the lesson will sink in a little deeper.

R I P Decency and Respect

I have been troubled by the lack of common decency in our country. It appears in everything from clothing styles to communication. Showing your undergarments is indecent. It is not hip, not stylish, not a fashion statement. It is indecent. Talking on your cell phone whenever and wherever you want to is indecent. I don't want to hear your conversation, nor does everyone else. It is impolite to be gabbing away while others are trying to help you, speak to you or ignore you. Like the sign says in my local library, if you need to use your cell phone, please step out into the lobby. Even gum chewing has become indecent. I am not adverse to people chewing gum after a meal to freshen their breath. Bad breath is as bad as bad manners. But people seem to think that a piece of chewing gum showing while they are talking is something pleasant to see. It is chewed food. Perhaps it is not as unattractive as half-chewed pizza, but it is still unpleasant to see.

For the most part, I have remained silent about this lapse in decency. Students in my class can not chew gum. My undergarments stay hidden. My cell phone gets turned to silent and ignored when I am with others. I do not force my attempts at decency on others. I practice them and hope others will notice. I know that by being aware of my behavior, I am showing respect to people around me.

But last night I heard a bell toll. It was the death knell for decency and respect. It came in the form of Senator Joe Wilson heckling the President of the United States. I can not teach my children to respect others when there are examples like this in the news. I can not tell my children that you don't have to agree with someone but you do have to respect them as a person when a senator does not respect the president. He says he was overcome with emotion, but he should have some self-restraint.

An apology was issued, which was the right thing for him to do. But the deed was still done. The heckling occurred. Respect for the office of the President of the United States has been breached. At what point will disrespect for others stop? At what point will we start asking ourselves why we are willing to put up with indecent behavior?

The Sins of the Father

A friend and I were comparing horror stories from our childhood. You know the type; the ones in which our parents horribly neglected us somehow. Mine was about a time when I was very sick during vacation and my parents, unknowingly, dragged me from historic site to historic site. My friend's story was about being thrown from a wagon and bleeding profusely from the nose. His parents were visiting friends and were reluctant to stop a pleasant visit because of some blood. We joked about how neglected we were and how it was amazing we turned out as well as we did.

In hind site though, I realize a few things. First, with a roof over my head, food on my table and a loving family, I never knew neglect. There are children all over the world right now who do not know when they will eat next, where they will sleep or if they will see their mother or father in the next 24 hours. There are children who hear that they are unwanted and unloved or who feel the slap of a hand or worse. Neglect is not a joking matter.

Second, as a parent, I know there are times when I don't do what my children expect me to do. Because of exhaustion, there have been times when we have enjoyed cereal for supper. There have been times when I pretended to listen to their stories while I was busy doing other things. There have been times when I did not notice the emotions they were afraid to voice because I was too busy trying to control my own. I am sure at some point in their future, they too will complain about a laundry list of perceived negligence on my part. But they too will, hopefully, have children. Then they will understand that sometimes it is difficult to give children 100% of their time.

What struck me most about that conversation though was that I once again realized how lucky I am. I am sure I have not told my parents enough how appreciative I am of all they did and continue to do for me. Parenthood is one of the few jobs that can be accomplished only through on the job training. Getting it wrong would be easy. But I see that Mom and Dad did their absolute best. So, thanks Mom and Dad.

Using our Senses

Yesterday, as my husband and I were walking our dog, we encountered a wonderful smell. It turned out the field near us was filled with hundreds of Queen Anne's Lace flowers. The air was perfumed with the most heavenly smell. We stopped and reveled in the aroma for quite some time before continuing on.

I got to thinking about this moment later. I have wanted to live a more simplistic life enjoying the gifts I have been given instead of searching far and wide for something with which to please me. I used to satisfy myself with some materialistic gain only to be unsatisfied and searching again. Recently, I have tried a new tactic. I have tried satisfying myself with the different things I encounter through my senses. Just like last night and the smell of the flowers, I have relished the flavor of a warm, juicy peach from a farm stand, the feel of soft sheets, the sight of all the stars in a night sky and the sound of the birds welcoming me to a new day.

I think, in the past, I have been so busy that I forgot to take pleasure in the things around me. With the constant noise of life, the hurried shuffle of children from activity to activity, the cooking of dinner and the washing of the clothes, I have forgotten how to slow down and savor my life. I feared slowing down because "I didn't have time" but I have the time if I choose to take it. I am not less efficient; I am more efficient because I have become refocused on what is important to me.

I hope you have a chance to be overcome by the smell of Queen Anne's Lace. It could be life-altering.

Silence, not Mediocrity

The other day, one of my followers asked me why I don't post every day. He has found some of my posts to be beneficial. Others have inspired him to think in different ways. My answer was simple. I would rather not post the mundane just to have a post.

You see, particularly with the rise of blogs, everybody who has ever had an opinion has found an outlet. Even I have fallen into this net. Having read other blogs though, I am sometimes amazed at how little actual thought goes into a blog. Some are ravings against the most current perceived aggressor, others are blow by blow descriptions of people's day, as if posterity cared they ate a cobb salad for lunch. Others start with promise then are forgotten, part of the detritus of a lifetime. I have also noticed this trend in the media. If you are branded a liberal, you repeat the liberal message. If you are branded a conservative, you repeat the conservative message.

The conclusion I have come to is that there is very little original thought anymore. Many people are so busy repeating what they hear or shouting so loudly they can't hear that no one really has time to invest in listening quietly, thinking about what has been said, then opening their mouths only when they have an informed personal opinion.

Many of my role models are quiet people. They speak only when they have listened, researched and thought out what they want to say. When they do speak, many listen because they know that these people speak with wisdom. I, too, will speak when I can speak with wisdom.