Superman Claims "Kryptonite Illness"

Over the weekend, the world needing saving and Superman was unavailable. When questioned later about his absence during the world's greatest need, he said that he was being held hostage by an evil villain who had Kryptonite. Superman went on to explain that he is powerless in the face of Kryptonite. He said that he made a full report to world leaders, apologized for his absence, and expressed his gladness that everyone was okay. He is not available for further comment because he needs to recover from being so weakened.

When asked about Superman's statement, one world leader remarked that he was shocked the world relied on such an unreliable superhero. Another was unaware that Superman had such a weakness and said he would be hesitant to call upon him again, should the need arise. A third thinks we should attack the evil villain with full force, to prevent such an occurrence in the future.

Elsewhere, reaction to Superman's statement was mixed. A news reporter, Clark Kent, believes Superman fully and refuses to pursue the story. This has raised eyebrows in the newspaper business. Many question Mr. Kent's abilities to begin with and think he is too mild-mannered. One source suggested that Superman was with long-time girlfriend of Clark Kent, Lois Lane. She was seen swooning in his arms on numerous occasions when Mr. Kent was not around. One reporter for the gossip pages says he has pictures of Superman, Batman and Cat Woman on an island on the day in question. What they were all doing there is unknown.

Needless to say, this reporter will continue to pursue the story until Superman comes clean and tells us what really happened when the world was in peril.